The idea to allow Victor Kalinski to host interviews on my blog came to me one day while chatting with my online sprinting friends. I’d been lamenting about being such a bad blogger and not having any ideas. One of the ladies suggested character interviews, which are sort-of fun.
“Maybe I should let Vic host the interviews,” I tossed out flippantly.
The gals loved the idea. When I presented it to Vic a few days later he gave me a quirk of a red eyebrow, an evil smile, and a nod of agreement. And to that end here we are about to unleash Victor on my other characters – and maybe even some who aren’t mine – as their new book releases approach. Forgive me. Truly, I know not what I do.
One other thing...
This is Victor Kalinski. He is/was a hockey player married to a hockey player who spends most of his time with a team of hockey players. Rude talk about sex, genitalia, and bodily functions is a given. Foul language and sarcasm are to be expected. If these things knot your knickers it’s best to leave now because Victor does not hold back. All I can do is hope that Dan being at his side will help temper his tongue a wee tiny bit. Yeah right. *hides under Rangers umbrella*
(Both guys are seated in very nice chairs and are fiddling with microphones just like the Game Grumps use because Victor insisted. Shout out to Arin and Danny! WE LOVE YOU! Ahem. A table rests between the chairs, on top of it is an ice bucket filled with ice and cans of Coca-Cola. Slipknot plays as mood music. V.L. sits off-stage with an umbrella open and held over her head for no reason aside from the fact that it’s a New York Rangers umbrella and toads will probably fall from the skies as punishment from the gods for setting Victor loose in blog-land.)
Victor – “Okay, see V.L. has totally lost her faculties and I do not mean she misplaced her teachers. You know that, right? She plunks me down across from an empty chair, hands me a six-pack of Coke, and tells me to be nice to the guests. If she wants nice she should have given you the gig because your nice. Me? *snorts* I’m about as nice as a pie.”
Dan- “Nice as pie? Vic, that makes no sense. Pie is nice. It’s sweet and crusty. Actually, now that I think on it, you are pie.”
Vic- “I am not sweet. I’m like rattlesnake pie.”
Dan- “You make up the dumbest stuff.”
Vic- “No, I do not Samwise. Down south they make rattlesnake pie. Truth.”
Vic- “Total gospel. You Canuck’s don’t know about rattlesnake pie? Toss me a Coke.” Dan chucks a cold can of soda to his husband. “Thanks, babe.” Pops the top and takes a long pull. “So, the premise of this whole thing is to do character interviews of V.L.’s and maybe some other author’s imaginary friends in preparation for upcoming releases. Which is okay. I mean, I can get into talking to McGarrity and Lila when their book comes out. And maybe a few other studs in her stable, but this month the upcoming book is ours.”
Dan – “It’s actually a rerelease.”
Vic – “Whatever. It’s still our books coming out now that V.L. has us back and has vowed to never let Vic K. go again. Ah, she’s such a clever minx even if she does cheer for the wrong pro team. Also, many other women have sworn to never let me go once they get their hands on my impressive Polish meat. Several men too. Just saying.”
V.L. – “Can it, Kalinski. Talk books and leave the Rangers and your Polish meat out of it.”
Vic – “Freaking Rangers. I played for Boston and she cheers the pretty boys of Broadway.” Looks at Dan. “Did you ever notice that you strongly resemble that frisky Norwegian winger that V.L. is so fond of?”
Dan – “No clue what you’re talking about.” Cracks open a can of soda then tosses long, dark hair from his face.
Vic- “Right.” Rolls his eyes. “Moving on then. Let’s talk about me.” Dan clears his throat. “Or we can talk about you.”
Dan – “That would be cool. So, I come from a little town in Manitoba called--”
Vic – “When did you first know that I was the hottest thing you ever saw and you had to have me? What? Inquiring minds want to know.”
Dan- “Your mind wants to know. We talk about this all the time, Vic. You and me seeing each other that first day you come back to Cayuga after Boston sent you down for disciplinary reasons.”
Vic – “Disciplinary action my balls. They just wanted to hide me in this ass-crack of a town and pretend I never existed.” Drains first can of Coke. “Toss me another.”
Dan – “No, you need to let the rush from that one wear off. Okay, now back to when we met. I knew you from the news, you know? Seen you play. You had wicked skills. I never knew your eyes were so pretty or so filled with pain until I seen them in person.”
Vic wiggles in his chair.
Vic – “And once you gazed into my lipid hazel eyes you fell head over heels. Blah, blah, typical gay romance novel shit. Move it along folks, nothing to see here.” Waves his hand around.
Dan – “Actually, the first day we met you punched me in the face.”
Vic- “You made a dumb Polack joke. Not that the joke was dumb because it was a pretty decent jab but you insinuated that we Poles are dumb which we are not. So, I popped you.”
Dan – “Yep, you did. I deserved that one though. Then what, like two weeks later or something we was on the road and all over each other.”
Vic- “We did hump like monkeys that first time…”
Dan – “We still do even though we’re married.”
Vic – “Who would have thunk it? I think I might find you hotter now that you got my ring on your finger. If only I could get you to meet me at the door in an apron and high heels.”
Dan – “I’ll meet you at the door with a pile-driver you keep talking about me in an apron. You might be taller than me but you know I can whip your pale ass.”
Vic – “Pft. You pin and fuck me a few times and you think you're Triple H or something. Enough talk about this wrestling crap. Back to me. I mean you. I mean us. Are you digging this show so far? I even picked out a theme song.”
Dan – “This bit has a theme song?”
Vic – “It does.” Cues up Meghan Trainor’s “Me Too” then begins to sing along while flashing a big V whenever the big V is called for in the song. “The V is a two, just thought I’d whip that out since V.L. didn’t explain that well.”
Dan – “Yeah, that song fits you perfect. I think she explained it okay.”
Vic – “You are so fucking cute. That’s why I married you. Your cuteness. Also, I love how you use that tongue of yours.”
Dan gives his lips a good porn star wetting.
Vic – “Keep that up and the good folks at home are going to get a wedge of man sex served up like a slice of warm apple pie with cheese.”
Dan – “Okay, I’ll stop. Not that I never had sex with you where people could read about it, but because every time you mention apple pie with cheese, I end up with Velveeta dribbled over me.”
Vic – “And you’re complaining?”
Dan – “Nope, I just didn’t think V.L. wanted cheese mess all over her new chairs. Tell them about the box set, Vic.”
Vic – “Chill out, babe. V.L. is putting all three of our novellas into a box set and pricing it hella good. Check it. $4.99 for three novellas. I mean, that’s one third what it cost readers who bought the books separately from the publisher. That’s a great deal for digital! For those who want me and Dan in print so they can caress my fine pale Polish skin, V.L. will have you covered. First time ever our story will be available in print and with new artwork. Man, the new covers are hot, romantic, and capture me and my man perfectly. Lay your peepers on this beauty…”
Dan – “Man, those are really nice. Any idea what the print copies will cost?”
Vic – “Not a clue yet but as soon as Madame Author over there finds out she’ll pass it along via the Book of Face, her blog, and her website. We’re shooting for a release date of 3/1/17 so mark that day down on your calendars. There will be no preorders for this book. I was told to say that by the short chick under that tacky red, white, and blue umbrella. You can add us to your Goodreads Want-To-Read list by following the funky little link right here--"
Add Point Shot Box Set to Goodreads Shelf
Add Point Shot Box Set to Goodreads Shelf
Dan – “Sweet! So, who are you going to be talking to the next time on the 'The Face Off' show?”
Vic – “Looks like we got Mario and Lila up next. They have a book coming out on 4/6/17 called Snap Shot that will kick off the new Cayuga Cougars LGBT erotic hockey romance series.”
Dan – “I love Mario and Madame Lila. So many people wanted to read more about them. McGarrity is a gas. How many hockey players you see in a kilt? I never seen too many back in Manitoba.”
Vic – “Yeah, he is. We ginger men are all the rage. Also, Lila is the best. I mean. The. Fucking. Best.”
Dan – “She’s awesome. Good to see our transgender sisters and brothers getting some of the spotlight.”
Vic – “Hashtag representation matters. Guess that’s all the time I’m giving this for the day. What say we head home and break out the Velveeta? All that talk about cheese has given me half a chub.”
They leave the set in a rush.
V.L. peeks out from under Rangers umbrella. “Phew. Nary a toad in sight. Okay. Good. Maybe Vic will behave and not be an obnoxious jerk to everyone who sits across from him. And maybe an armadillo will play the national anthem on kazoo at the next Cougar’s home game.”