My thoughts are so mixed up it’s causing my head to swim.
Thoughts help people process things, they form into actions, ideas or opinions and are supposed to be helpful. My thoughts are helpful in letting me know my thighs are ugly, my hair is too limp and dull, my eyes too far apart, my nails are chipped and broken, my skin rough and my body is disgusting. My thoughts, these thoughts are always with me like a scratched CD, repeating the same thing over and over. They solidify my reasons for feeling the way I do, which I can't put into words, so I say nothing, I do nothing, I feel nothing. The only time I feel is when Deklan is moving deep inside of me, whispering things in my ear, holding me close smothering out all the bad thoughts in my head. Only then do I feel.
I feel what I do to him, his body shaking as he brings both of us to our breaking point. I feel his grip on me tighten, like he will never let me go, his heart pounding as he's about to explode inside me, I feel everything in that moment; hope, pain, love, sorrow, grief, anger, happiness, I feel all of it with him.
I feel him.
I read somewhere that people need people. Weather is was implying that they need contact, affection, companionship or just interaction that statement could not hold more true to me than now. I need Deklan, need him like the air I breathe, like the water I drink or the food I pretend to eat. I need him. I know he needs me too, maybe not as much but he does. And it's scary because, one day he won't need me and I'll have to let him go, still needing him. And that will break me for good.
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