Several days ago, it came to the attention of the Philadelphia Wildcats new Russian forward, Petro Shevenko, that a certain footballer had made disparaging comments about oatmeal and those who eat it. Since Petro knows that I’m friends with the lovely and talented woman who created Griff Montgomery, he rang me up. An irate Russian shouting in your ear about oats and buckwheat at three in the morning is not fun. To spare myself from any other late night calls and the ugliness of sleep deprivation, I contacted Jean Joachim. She agreed to set up a meeting between our two characters so that they could hash out their differences. Ha-ha! Hash, that's funny because this is about breakfast foods and hash browns are—
I told you sleep deprivation wasn`t pretty. You know what, let`s just get to the guys and the great breakfast food debate. We brought the two star athletes together in neutral ground, a diner halfway between where both men play their respective sports. After the two handsome hulks were seated Jean and I simply sat in the booth behind Griff and Petro, sipping coffee, snickering at the puns, and taking notes to share with our readers. Also, if a scrum broke out we could stop it. Yeah, right, as if two authors could tear apart a football player intent on trying to pound a hockey player into gruel.
Speaking of gruel…
(Be warned! These are two athletes. The language is rough and crude. If that offends, now is the time to go visit another blog.)
I'd like to give a huge thanks to the wonderful Jean Joachim for letting her man Griff come hang out and exchange barbs with Petro. You rock lady!
Petro: "So, I am hearing that you think oatmeal is for pussies. This is true?"
Griff: "Damn right it is. Mush. That's what you feed babies, right?"*shudders* "Yuck. Pussy food for sure."
Petro: "You are mistaken, ball-fondler. I am growing up on kasha made by my grandmother. Do I look like baby?"
Griff: "I don't fondle any balls. I fondle breasts, but that's another topic. What the eff is kasha, anyway? Your grandmother cooks for you?" *snickers behind hand*. "I guess we know who the ball fondler is here."
Petro: "My sorry. I thought you only fondled things that could be deflated. And no, she does not cook for me now. My woman does that when she is not too tired from lovemaking. But as child, yes, she makes kasha, or as you American`s call it oatmeal or porridge. Makes men big and strong and hard as rock."
Griff: "I agree that part of you is hard -- your head! My woman makes eggs for me and she's never too tired after a frisky night of love with me. Ever suck down scrambled eggs? All protein. Made me the big strong, invincible guy you see here. And add some bacon or sausage. Crap, I'm getting hungry. Is this a pussy diner? Don't they serve a man's breakfast?"
Petro: *leans back into seat and folds arms over chest* "No, footballer, it was not my head that is being hard all the time. As for eggs making you invincible? Pft. You spend too much time with your hands between another man's legs. Eggs are chicken droppings. Hot buckwheat with sour cream is what real men eat. I too could use some food."
Griff: Chicken droppings? *laughs* "Gotta admit that was a good one. I'm not gonna tell you where I keep my hands, because Jean will throw a fit. But it sure as hell is NOT between another man's legs. I'm just there to catch the ball. Every child in the U.S. knows that. Maybe babies who eat oatmeal don't know how the game is played. While we're here, I dare you to eat eggs!"
Petro: "Ah, well, it looks much different on the TV. At least in my sport we know where our hands are at all times. Many times, they are fists in the faces of our opponents. Eggs? You would have me eat something that falls out of chicken butt? I will make you deal, Mr. Griff Football Star. I will try some of those egg scrambles if you have heaping bowl of oatmeal."
Griff: "Fists? You guys fight all the time. Where's the sport? Beat up the other team, then lose when they score while you're thrown in time-out. Yeah. Hockey players get time-out. I guess they all eat oatmeal and get time-out like babies!"*laughs hysterically at his own joke*"A heaping bowl of mush? No way. Two spoonfuls, maybe. I'll be nice and give you bacon and sausage with your eggs."
Petro: "At least we are not hiding behind line of big men while scrambling around like those eggs you are so fond of! Then you are getting sacked and limping off with scratch on finger. We hockey players fight like men, play like men, and fu—"
*Vicki shouts from next booth* "Hey! Language! This isn`t the Wildcats locker room."
"Ugh, she is so bossy at times. Is your creator so bad? No. It must be whole bowl. Do not be pussy. I do not want sausage. Ham is good. Also some tvorog, Russian food similar to your cottage cheese. And coffee. Much strong coffee."
Griff: "Mine is worse. She curses just as much as I do, but if I do it in public--BLAM! She takes my girl out of my bed for a week. Worse than a time-out on the ice."
Petro: "Oh yes, that is much bad. Taking woman out of bed is vicious. Perhaps our creators should be head coaches. So, do we have deal, Mister Griff Montgomery? "*waves over waitress*
Griff: "Okay. At least our big men are really big, not wearing so much gear they look twice their size to protect them from a scratch or a stick in the balls. Oops."
*From the booth behind him Jean shouts* "Hey! Griff. Watch it!"
"I'll barf if I have to eat a whole bowl of that crap. Okay. Ham instead of sausage. Do you eat the mush plain? Do you hold your nose when you eat it? How do you get the yucky sliminess out of your mouth? I'm feeling nauseous."*holds belly*
Petro: "For writers they have ears like hawk. What is barf?"
Griff: "Throw up. Toss your cookies. What can I put on that mush to keep it down? Ugh." *Closes eyes, makes face.*
Petro: "Oh, puking up. I understand now. You Americans have weird words. There are many things to top kasha with. My woman likes fruits like strawberry but I eat with only sour cream."
Griff: "Sour cream? You put something sour on that baby mush? Oh, God. I think I'm going to be sick. "*makes puking noises behind his hand,* "Our words are weird? You have four letters when you only need two. 'Nyet' instead of 'no'. Really? Fruit isn't enough to hide the taste of baby mush that pussies eat."
Petro: *chuckles smugly* "If you were real man, and athlete, you could eat kasha as men do, with only sour cream. Maybe you would like some applesauce on top like Russian babies eat it? Make sure you get bib from server."
Griff:" Real men use kasha to grout the bathtub. It dries as hard as a rock, right? I don't want that cement in my body. My body is a temple. I treat it well, so I can be Super Bowl winning quarterback and fu--oops, make love all night! Russian babies? "*Makes a fist* "Footballers have fists, too."*snarls*.
Petro: "A temple? Ha,ha! That is puny temple. You would not last five minutes on ice without many big men to hide behind. If you eat kasha you will pleasure your woman for hours like wild Russian stallion!"*hits chest with fist* "Pft. Your womanly fist does not scare me. You wish to bring it here and now, football man?"*shoots to his feet*
*Vicki shouts from next booth* "No fighting! Sheesh. What a couple of blockheads."
Griff: "And you can't even see a guy's butt or his dick in those hockey uniforms. For all you know, it could be all women playing. Who would know? You know when a guy steps on the gridiron."
Petro:" You are looking for dicks when watching hockey? There is something you wish to tell us?"*drops back down as food is placed on table by nervous waitress*
To read the rest, click here: Jean Joachim - Stories to warm your heart & soul
Want to learn more about Griff Montgomery? Check out his book!
Think you want to get to know Petro Shevenko better? Grab his book!