Sunday, August 19, 2012
I Muse Upon Fitted Sheets
I`ve never been a huge fan of fitted sheets. Lately it seems the darn things are working to make my life even harder. That has not raised my appreciation of them any. Don`t get me wrong, I like sleeping on something other than then the mattress pad. It`s just that over the past few years fitted sheets and me have had a few….encounters, shall we say, that have left me rather disgruntled with those elastic-edged flaps of material.
For example, and I may be dating myself here, but I`m on a roll so why worry over people knowing how old I am, right? Back in the day, fitted sheets used to have elastic on the corners. That was it. Not all the way around. Just on the corners. I rather liked that. Granted, they did tend to pull off if something physical was going on in the bed *Wink-Wink* or if hubby was a tosser-and-turner, but overall those loose corners could be held in place with what I called ‘sheet garters’. If you remember or have ever used these you win a no-prize!
My life as a wife and official stripper and remaker of the bed was pretty sanguine. Then one Christmas, not too long ago, Santa brought me new sheets. As soon as I opened the package I knew I was in for trouble. There was elastic around the whole danged fitted sheet! What kind of madness was this? How in the name of Gomez Addams` cigar would I EVER figure out how this went on the bed??
Needless to say, after a washing and drying of the new sheets from Hell, the tussle broke out. I will admit to not being the quickest on the draw when it comes to new things. My daughter, one of those tech savvy teenagers, will attest to this fact readily. You`d laugh yourself silly if you heard the conversations between her and I about how to use her cell phone-
Me-“There`s no dial tone.”
Miss-“You have to turn it on first, mother!”
Me-“Oh….how do you turn it on?”
It goes downhill from there and I end up using smoke signals to send my message. But I digress.
So after a large kerfuffle and many expletives, I finally got the fitted sheet on the bed. The struggles between me and the bottom sheets have not gotten better over the years. To this day (And I mean this very day because I just changed the sheets on our bed which led to this irate post) I always put the wrong corner on the mattress. Even after a good couple of shakings, long moments studying the situation, and then removing a cat from under the parachute sheet, I cannot get the right corner of the sheet on the right corner of the mattress. I always have the long side of the sheet placed on the short end of the mattress. It`s quite galling being outfoxed by a sheet. But never fear, good friends, I get my revenge. That`s right. I`ve stopped folding the bottom sheets.
Who`s the winner now you balled-up, wrinkled, over-elasticized bolt of cotton?!