Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Nursing Home List

Come on in and have a fresh cuppa gang!

The other day I was meandering about, reading my favorite blogs, when I came across a post by a good friend of mine, Michele Strangis Stefanides on her blog ‘Life is short - Write it all down.'Michele is a member of my two writing groups, a published children`s author and one heck of a great and funny lady! On this particular day she had posted a list of things that she wishes those who may be taking care of her in a nursing home to know. I roared with laughter at her list and thought to myself, ‘Vicki, you need to make one of those too!’

So I did. Below you will find my wishes for those who may be left with the pleasant chore of keeping me happy in my dotage. Please do note that I am already a particular woman and that, I`m sure, once I hit seventy I`ll be even more particular and far less subdued. I may, in fact, grow vocal and be willing to discuss personal things that would never have been discussed previously. Or, I may just be me with silver hair and an offbeat view of things, who knows?

Okay, here is my list for any future caregivers.


I like classic rock and metal. Do not EVER come into my room and turn on Billy Joel. I will grow angry and will commence to say bad words and wave my cane at you in a threatening manner. Metallica, KISS, Rob Zombie, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, Peter Frampton, ZZ Top and Lynryd Skynyrd will be fine, thank you. Avenged Sevenfold, Nickelback, Godsmack and Led Zeppelin are also good musical choices. A poster of Sully Erna from Godsmack would not be looked upon unfavorably. If he is shirtless in this poster, so much the better!

I prefer to watch TV shows that do not deal with celebrities or reality. Do NOT turn on any television shows that deal with stars dancing, singing or other such nonsense unless it`s Simmons Family Jewels. Gene Simmons and his family are the only accepted people in the reality show genre. Do not allow any hunting shows to play either. I have watched over a billion hours of hunting shows and do not wish to see any more in my golden years. If my husband is in the same room with me, then slip him some sleeping powder in his Metamucil shake.

Also, cartoons are fine but they must be good cartoons. And by good cartoons I mean anything I watched when I was a kid. Scooby Doo, Looney Tunes and Tom & Jerry will keep me merry and pleased and humming along. Any of the new stuff will make me cranky and may result in me chasing you down the hall using my walker as a weapon.

Movies are fine, I adore movies. Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Rocky Horror Picture Show and any film with Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman and Robert Downey Jr. are guaranteed to keep me silent and placated in my lift chair for hours. If you place a spaghetti western in, I cannot say that you will not be hit upside the head with a bedpan.

I love to read. I`ll be a happy elderly camper if I am given access to books. These books must deal with hot and spicy bedroom antics, Greek gods, vampires with black daggers or werewolves that have wide and hairy chests. If you are a male attendant, using your powerful upper body to show me how the dark hero looks will be received most favorably. Again, if my husband is sharing my room, the Metamucil/sleeping powder trick can be used here as well.

I like my food to be simple food. I also like plenty of it. If you place a plate in front of me that has a sprig of parsley and some tiny little two ounce slab of meat, I will grow irritable. Do not serve me salad as a side dish. Give me potatoes in any form, pasta under any kind of sauce and a fresh glass of goat milk, not that watery skim stuff they sell in the grocery store. If necessary, I will bring a goat with me to supply my milk needs. She can stay in my room and Mister can milk her, if he`s not out cold from all the doctored shakes he may receive. I also adore Milano cookies, just in case you need to placate me at some time.

I will require my weekly comic books as well. Make mine Marvel, thank you. If you forget and buy some DC comics I may grow rather testy and tell you where you can cram Hal Jordan and/or Bruce Wayne. Indie comics are okay, although they must be either Hellboy or Darkness. Don`t think that I won`t know if you try to slide me Deathstroke as opposed to Deadpool. I will, trust me.

I will also require a laptop so that I can write. This is my last and most important stipulation. Do not even think of shirking on this one, or you will have an irate old woman on your hands.


Michele Stefanides said...

Don't worry, you'll never get Billy Joel from me, even though my sister still insists we saw him together lo those many years ago! You and I could watch movies together if we end up in the same home! ha ha ha I love all the suggestions for Mister and his Metamucil shake! If I have to share a room with Dan, there will be major fights over the whole Springsteen thing. Dan loves him, me, not so much! Oh, and please do bring your goat.

Texan said...

Well gosh there's a list for ya lol... I will come from my room and borrow books and share mine with you as we have the same taste. I better get my food in my own room as mine will be a huge salad and veggies. No animals on my plate please lol. Music, you probably won't be borrowing mine lol country western. TV I have to agree I can't stand reality TV or the Dancing shows or the... ya I pretty much do not like TV. Except for my cooking shows.

Melodie said...

Love it! I am going to start typing out my list for The Boy right away! I totally agree that Family Jewels is the only reality show worth watching ..the others make me want to drag them out back to the shallow grave I keep dug ..just in case ya know! Just kidding..!

Sharon said...

Oh, that is too funny! Remember to write your instructions in pencil! I thought about what my choices would have been 25 years ago and today - WHAT a Difference!!! I am now an old me! I even watch David Letterman... that is, if I can stay awake!

TexWisGirl said...

oh, good lord. help them!

small farm girl said...

I don't plan on going to a nursing home. I plan becoming an imortal whenever I get bit by a vampire. Here's to hoping. lol

V.L. Locey said...

SFG, I like your plans! My luck, the vampire that bit me would sparkle and there I would be, stuck with a young kid with emo hair for eternity.

Mimi Foxmorton said...

Thanks soooooo much for the laugh!

I'd like to add: Pointed/sharp scissors (for collaging)
None of those blunted ones!

And Oreos. Lots and lots of Oreos!

Have a lovely day!

Nancy @ A Rural Journal said...

I think you need to be more specific. Lol! :)

Country Dreaming said...

Loving it!!!


V.L. Locey said...

My gosh, I just realized I forgot to add coffee to my nursing home list! EGAD!

John Gray said...

dont forget my wishes

I dont want my bottom wiped by a teenager in a uniform

I dont want a feeder beaker

and I do want cake EVERYDAY

V.L. Locey said...

Oh cake every day is a glorious idea, John!