Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Feral Ponders-Men, Phones & Bathrooms

Good Tuesday gang! Tug out a chair and have I`ll top off your mug.

I`ve been pondering over the past several days about men.

Now let me say right off the bat that this isn`t a slam post. I adore men. They are a wonderful gender. Strong and sweet, funny and witty, tender when needed and very, very nice to curl up with at night. Note that I did not get into the other REALLY fun thing that I like about men. Since my G rating fled the coop with the tooshy-rubbing incident I`m going to try to keep things at PG-13. Yeah, I have my doubts too but I`ll try said the writer with the Greek god rump obsession.

So as you can see I really like men. I adore my husband. He is loving and dependable. He is a good man. Mister goes to work; works damned hard to support us and comes home with his paycheck. He isn`t out drinking his wages or spending them on bar flies or any of the other rancid things that some men do, as I said he is a good man, a good husband and a good father. It`s just that sometimes the oddness of the male gender reaches out and tickles my mind. Since my darling spouse is now in the second week of his vacation the tickling is coming more frequently. No, not THAT kind of tickling although having the house to ourselves all day is-Damn, I almost stepped into an R rating. Phew!

I`ve noticed some things that occur with men, or perhaps it’s my man, that make me chuckle or snarl, depending on what has occurred. I`ll only touch on two of the many, many things that make me scratch my head about men, and they revolve around telephones and bathrooms. We`ll hit the phone one first and leave the bathroom for later.

Normally my phone is pretty quiet during the day. My goat girlfriends have chores, kids and more chores so we don`t have time to sit and jaw daily. When we do get time we chatter for quite a spell but it`s not a daily or even weekly thing. When we find time we call and cluck for a bit. Other than that and the always present telemarketers my phone sits silently awaiting use. Since Mister has been home I have noticed a large rise in phone calls. This tickles me. Why you may ask? Well, it has reached my ears on more than one occasion that men tend to think we women talk a lot. We do, granted. But to hear men say it you would think they never talk and only reply in single grunts much like Tim Allen or some slope-headed caveman. Men talk too. They talk A LOT and it`s always about the same thing!

I`ll give y`all an example.

Last week Mister returned from his daily trip into the wood to track down his second turkey. He likes to relay his adventures to me upon his return. I enjoy hearing his tales for he really does have the gift of storytelling. After we had lunch I decided to do what I tend to do after lunch. No, not housework for heaven’s sake! I grabbed my latest Para/Rom selection and curled up on the couch with a fresh cup of heavenly bean juice. Of course reading seems to induce some sort of narcoleptic response for me. No sooner do I sit down and get a page read then my eyes are fighting to stay open. Usually I close my book and let sleep take me away. Napping is good for the soul and my old bones appreciate forty winks in the afternoon. I had just drifted off and the phone quacked. Oh, let me explain real fast. Our cordless has wild animal calls as opposed to a ring. Gobbles, quacks, coyote howls, bear roars. It amuses me to hear a loon or an owl calling me to the phone.

Anydoodles Mister gets up and answers the quack. It`s one of his buddies. Ah, I thought as my lashes dropped back down, time to swap turkey tales. They swapped alright! For about an hour easily, each man retelling what had happened to him that day. Then, after that call ended and I assumed my nap would begin again (I can`t sleep with someone talking five feet away) the phone rang once more. Yup, another buddy calling to swap stories was on the horn. I sniffed as I heard the same tale for the third time within two hours. And men say we women talk a lot! That tickles me! I also just wanted to toss this out about men and phones. Why is it that some men cannot leave messages on answering machines? Are they afraid that if they leave their voice on a tape it will suck out their soul or leave them impotent? I`d go with the second fear too ladies. Nothing on this earth would be more ghastly than plumbing that didn`t rise to the occasion! Did that just bump me into R??? I`ll leave that then before the censors arrive and delve into men and the bathroom.

Now I know you`re going to assume that I`m going to talk about what condition they leave the bathroom. I am not. Nor am I going to touch upon the fear of replacing an empty roll of toilet paper. Again, the impotency phobia must also be linked to doing anything that may be considered women`s work. I won`t even delve into how the bathroom is the only room my husband will read in, although his reading does sort of meld into this ticklish ponderment about the bathroom and the male species.

I have heard men comment that we ladies take FOREVER in the bathroom. Personally I don`t see this as being the case. When I have to go potty I`m in and out despite having to replace the roll, I have things to do! Writing about Greek god bottoms is more important than dawdling in the bathroom thank you very much! Miss Yodeling does spend a goodly amount of time in the bathroom before heading to school. Make-up and hair and earring selection take time. Even so, the twenty minutes she spends in there cannot possibly add up to the amount of time Mister spends in there. I cannot recall EVER staggering out forty minutes later and commenting that I sat so long my legs went numb. If I sat for that long in one spot I`d be asleep and wouldn`t that be a sight? Feral nodding off and rolling from the can, empty roll in hand and cracking her coconut on the bathtub! There I would lie until someone needed to read or find different earrings to match the seventh outfit of the day.

It just amuses me how men seem to say these things about us women yet they do and usually exceed at what they are griping about! Ah I do love men despite their quirks and foibles and their aversion to cardboard rolls and answering machines. If nothing else men do seem to give us women plenty to ponder on don`t they?


texwisgirl said...

imagine how boring our lives would be if we didn't have to try to figure out why men do what they do? :)

Texan said...

tee hee :O), they can keep one on their toes for sure. But I am with ya wouldn't take a million dollars for honeyman.

Heidi H said...

Must be something in the noonish air up here it Tioga County, par rom and an afternoon nap, I'm with ya!

Mister Oz said...

*grunts like Tim Allen and stalks off with reading materials*

houndstooth said...

*wipes away tears of mirth* Oh, it's so true! Every word of it is true!

Feral Female said...

I would not lie as I ponder my friends! I do love Mister dearly but I fear I shall never understand what makes his mind work at times.