Monday, April 25, 2011

The sun can`t always shine..... matter how much we may wish it to.

Yes Feral is still alive and kicking my friends. Please, do have a seat and let me grab a fresh pot, this may take awhile. You know writers, we like our words!

Now as most of you know I like to try to keep my blog posts sunny. I figure there`s enough gloom and darkness in the world, just turn on your TV if you doubt me, that if I can bring a smile or maybe a ray of sunshine to someone`s dreary day I`m happy. Sometimes though even I get caught in a downpour and get soaked with sadness. As many of you may know who are friends with me on Facebook my cat Lucius went out Wednesday morning and has yet to return home.

To say I am beyond heart-broken is putting it mildly. Guilt has been my steady companion for days now, along with that thick grey cloud of loss. It was me that decided to allow Lucius to be an indoor/outdoor cat.

I sit here and continue to stare out into the rain that just won`t go away here in PA hoping against hope that he will come home. Every time the wind jars the screen door I leap up with a rush of hope, then seem to get soaked once again when I don`t see my handsome mancat waiting to come in.

Let me tell y`all this has been a ghastly time, not only for me but for my husband and daughter as well. We`ve combed our property, calling and calling his name, to no avail. Asked neighbors and friends if they`ve seen him, posted pictures on Facebook. Truly I`m not sure who feels worse me or Mister. He seems to think because he let him out Wednesday morning with the dogs that he`s to blame. I seem to think that I`m to blame because it was my decision, as the cat fancier of the household, to allow Lucius to roam about.

You guys can`t imagine how hard this was for me to even post. I`m not one who usually likes to burden others with my troubles, heck we all have worries of our own to contend with I feel. I actually had a darling little Easter story all plotted out but somehow I couldn`t find the cheeriness required to write it after Lucius disappeared. I felt bad about that as well, as if I were letting my readers down somehow.

Then I got to thinking….

This blog is a reflection of my life. Would I be doing anyone a favor, myself included, to put on a false face? So I skipped the happy Easter story and opted to let my emotions out for the world to read since we are friends here, all of us who blog, are friends even though we may have never met each other face to face. I would like to apologize to everyone for not stopping at your blogs to visit. All my creative endeavors seem to have stalled and I`ve only been doing what needs to be done.

My writing muse has left me for the moment. Thankfully my fiction tales that are on other sites are well ahead or they also would be sitting in neglect. I slide into Facebook, check to see if anyone has seen Lucius, tend to my virtual farm then slide back off. Chatting seems to be difficult at the moment, but as soon as I post this I will drop in and say ‘Hey’ to y`all I promise.

One thing that`s really helped me through this time was something that Mister said to me. I had been in the middle of another complete meltdown, tears flowing like raindrops. I don`t recall what started this particular deluge. I`ve had many since Lucius left home. One was when I was getting ready to vacuum and had to pick up his little furry mice. There I stood, orange mouse in hand and bawled for thirty minutes. Ah guilt is a terribly crushing thing isn`t it?

Anyways, this round of weeping wasn`t about furry mice, don`t know what brought it on but there I was, coughing and crying into a wad of Kleenex when my husband pulled me down to the couch beside him.

“Honey listen to me,” he said,” You`re whipping yourself for allowing that cat to be what he wanted to be.”

“No!” I hacked and sniffled.” I shouldn`t have allowed him to go outside!”

“But would he have been happy being an inside cat?”

“He would have been alive! Not the meal of some fox or coyote or damned barred owl!”

“But would he have been happy? Or would his confinement mean YOU would have been happy?”

That set me back a bit. Not that my husband could offer me something to chew upon that was so profound. He is very sensitive despite what he would like others to think. I suppose what took me aback was how very true his words were. Lucius was never a cat that would have been happy being locked inside. From the time he came to live with us he was a roamer. He wasn`t like Lu-Lu who is quite content to sit here on my arms as I write and merely watch the birds through the windows, not Lucius!

Lucius loved to be outside. My rules about him staying in at night never did sit well with him but he abided them, knowing that when the dogs went out in the morning his freedom would come. He reveled in being able to be a cat and do what cats are born to do-Stalk and frolic and sneak up on unsuspecting chickens and mice-Dash through the weeds and bound up and down over the round bales.

So would I have been making him happy to keep him in what he would view as a prison?

I honestly still can`t say. If he had been forced to bow to my whims he would still be here with us. Would he have been happy though in this safe little cage of our home? That is a question that I still haven`t figured out the answer to. Maybe once some of the guilt and grief leave me I`ll be able to sit down, cup of freshly roasted in hand, and be able to tell myself that while he was with us he was as happy as a cat could be.

Perhaps sometimes what makes those we love happy doesn`t always make us happy. Mayhap the hardest thing to do for someone you love is to give them the freedom they need be they spouse, child or beloved pet.

Now I don`t wish for you guys to think that the past several days have been mired in wallowing and horrid depression, for they haven`t. Although I moved about with a dreary raincloud over my head the Easter holiday was a very nice one, although somewhat subdued. The meal was very good and having my dad and mother-in-law here made the gloom lift a good deal. Also there are some delightful little hatchlings breaking free in my incubator as I type! Once they`re all done kicking the shells loose I`ll post up an entry about incubating, candling and wee fluffs of duck and goose!

You know, as a writer or one who likes to say she is, I read over what I`ve written I feel a sort of release coming over me. We scribes tend to use our words as means of escape at times. We can sit down and with the mere sweep of our pen be transported to another time and place where happiness abounds. Also, we use our words and thoughts as a means of catharsis, well at least I do, can`t speak for all writers of course. This paper, virtual though it may be, is my therapist. Here, in the land of nouns and verbs I can toss off the manacles of my own making and just express and emote. That I can do so with dear friends such as you makes the experience even more touching and meaningful.

Thank you all for the umbrella of your friendship.


d'Artagnan said...

I'm sorry. That is hard. :( *huggles*


phylliso said...

I`m praying for your kitty to come home.
I too am dealing with sadness this easter.I lost my bunny yesterday,he died.Only have had him 1 month.He had a seizure & died in my arms.Isn`t that something a bunny would die on easter.I`ll blog about him later.
Cats have a way of waundering then showing back up,perhaps he will too after he scouts around a bit.phyllis

Nancy said...

Dear Feral,

Please don't beat yourself up too much. Your husband is right. We do what we think is best at the time.

If Lucius wasn't neutered, he likely is roaming, looking for a girlfriend. It's Nature's way. Nothing you can do about it now.

We had a rescue, "Puffy Cat," who would have been sent to the pound if we had not taken him in. He was an outdoor tom -- and I knew because he was not neutered, his time with us would be limited.

Puffy Cat left one day and never came back. I like to think he is at the neighbors' -- he was a good cat but needed more than our farm could provide.

Live and learn. That's all we can do.

Hugs -- I know exactly how you feel.

Sandy said...

Oh, Feral, I am so sorry! As someone who can empathize with losing an animal, I think the "not knowing" is the most difficult part. Try to keep your thoughts positive. You hear stories all the time of pets showing up days and weeks later. In the meantime, just know that you gave him a home where he was loved greatly. That in and of itself is so much more than a lot of animals get and I know he knew how lucky he was. Hugs!

texwisgirl said...

i know if you 'never know' what happened, it may be worse than actually finding out he's gone. the constant looking for him will wear you out. i feel your pain, but glad you let it out here. it does help to express it rather than keep it tight inside.

small farm girl said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Lucius. We had a cat that went away for over 3 months. Then one day, he just showed up on our porch. I can just bet Lucius is out there having an adventure.

Debbie @ Swampbilly Ranch said...

So sorry to hear that your Lucius is missing. Don't throw away that orange mouse. He may find his way home.

C and C Antiques and Animals - What a Life! said...

Sorry to hear about Lucius. He still might find his way home. My gray kitty Tom sometimes goes away for a couple of weeks then shows up. Hopefully Lucius will do the same.

Feral Female said...

Thanks gang, your kind words bring great comfort. We`re not giving up on Lucius yet, not by a long shot! Although he is neutered and shouldn`t want to roam he may have.

Mr. Pip said...

I am praying for a safe return for Lucius. My childhood cat was once gone for more than a month. We thought surely he was gone for good, but then one late night, we heard scratching at the window and there he was! He was neutered to by the way! Take care!

Kristin & Pip

houndstooth said...

I hope Lucius turns up at the door with a crazy tale to tell about where he's been. I know just how you feel, too. I've been dealing with my own pet-related heart aches lately. I think somewhere there's a compromise between letting pets do what they feel is their nature and restricting them in some fashion to keep them safe.

Melodie said...

I am so sorry...I hope Lucius comes home.Sometimes they do ,even after weeks of being gone...

Willard said...

I know all too well the feeling you are talking about as this type of thing has happened to me all too often as well. One keeps hoping and looking. It has been a depressing spring here weather wise as well with very few nice days and the rain is back this morning. It probably won't be able to rain this summer though.