Saturday, January 8, 2011

Tools Explained

Hey gang! Hope you`re staying warm and dry. It`s snowing here on the hillside farm again and while I wait for Mister to come home from hunting with a buddy I thought I`d pass this along to y`all. This came in an e-mail and was just SO funny and SO true Mister and I both roared at it, especially the very last tool description!



DRILL PRESS-A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner so nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say ‘Oh Sh—!’

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round the heads off of bolts. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-ups into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


I hope you and your hubbies get a laugh from those! I`d like to also give a yodel of welcome to Texwisgirl and Ellie Great for stopping in! Howdy and welcome to the hillside farm!

Oh! And yesterday the writing won out! And as you can see I`m not doing much with the dust cloth and/or mop today either.

Can y`all just feel the regret in my voice??


texwisgirl said...

hi there! :)

Oh that was perfect! I've tried using these tools myself once or twice and thought it was just me! :)

Flat Creek Farm said...

LOL... love this list!! I got particularly familiarized with the SOB tool(s) when I was building my little coop last Spring :D I need to return to building before I forget how to use all those lovely tools. Happy New Year to you and your family!! -Tammy

Brenda said...

Very Very funny!

~Tonia said...


John Gray said...

I have plenty of sonofabitch tools!
infact all of mine are them!

Sharon said...

Very funny!

Michele Stefanides said...

My favorite is the son-of-a-bitch tool. I have a few of those in the kitchen, too!! BTW, I'm glad the writing won out! :-)

Nancy said...

This is helpful. There's nothing more embarrassing than being asked to go get a wrench and come back with the wrong tool. :)

houndstooth said...

I'm pretty sure my dad had a whole toolbox full of those sonofabitch tools! Ah, memories!

Mary Ann said...

Omygosh! That WAS a good one! (laughing)

small farm girl said...

So true!

Verde Farm said...

How funny. We have a lot of that last tool around here :) LOL

Feral Female said...

Seems we all have a few of those SOB tools in our homes! =)

Willard said...

So much of that list is oh so true!