Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The case of the prematurely passing poultry

It was a cold and dismal winter day when murder most fowl was committed.

My associate and I, the lovely and enthusiastic Miss Yodeling, were resting inside our domicile enjoying a cup of cocoa for the youngster and creamed and sweetened coffee for myself.

“I say Mrs. Yodeling, don`t you think it`s time to engage in our nightly farm duties,” my associate inquired.

“Yes I do Miss Yodeling, the bovine`s seem to be rather anxious this evening to partake in their nightly ration of grain,” I replied sitting my cup of heady brew aside to don my chore parka and Wellington`s.

Out we meandered to the bovine barn, our heads tucked against the chilling zephyr. Unbeknownst to us we would stumble across a most perplexing and heinous case, for once we entered the pungent housing our well trained and detective like eyes fell upon a cadaver lying beneath the hay manger.

“Great ghosts Mrs. Yodeling! T`is murder most foul!”

“Now now my good woman, let us not jump to any hasty conclusions,” said I pulling a bubble pipe from within the folds of my cape-like chore parka.”Perchance this small bird has merely come upon the end of his Earthly days.”

My associate mulled upon my words as I bent down to investigate the crime scene holding my pipe between my teeth.

Immediately I noticed that the poor deceased fowl bore no marks upon it. Taking care not to disturb the crime scene overly I lifted one wing of the corpse gently.

“Look here Miss Yodeling,” I stated calling her attention to the cadaver,” This bird bears no marks of any predatory attack of any kind.”

“What does it all mean?!” my associate inquired of me.

“It means this is not the work of our arch-nemesis buteo jamaicensis, or the red-tailed hawk. Also one should lay a keen eye to where the corpse was found,” I stated as I rose.”If this dastardly deed had been wrought by our nemesis do you think we would have found the remains inside this out building?”

“Why no, it would have lain outside! By jove Mrs. Yodeling you are most astute!!”

“It is merely elementary deduction Miss Yodeling,” I commented and ran an accessing eye over the inhabitants of this small, hay bedded home. After a moment or two of reflection upon the baffling death I chalked it up to age of the fowl and my associate and I continued onward in our duties.

Truthfully after we disposed of the poor bird my mind went to other things and the untoward demise of one of our flock left my attention. Not until a fortnight had passed would my associate and I be thrown back into the dark abyss of bird-slaughter, which is much akin to man-slaughter but carries a lesser sentence.

We had set off once more to attend to the farming duties, only this most wintery of days our good friend the chief inspector Sir Yodeling Goatherder was accompanying us. A more clever and erudite man you would be hard pressed to find and we had spent the afternoon enjoying some freshly brewed java beans and some holiday cookies.

As we neared the barn the duo of beefy ruminants spoke to us in persistent and impatient tones. Perhaps we HAD dallied in the warmth of our farmhouse sipping and chatting but the oversight was unintentional I assure you.

Due to our late arrival the steers were most aggrieved and as the chief inspector and I entered the feeding area there was much discord and wringing of large heads.

“Now stop your foolishness immediately!” I chastised the beasts soundly, taking care to avoid the plethora of chickens that have resided in the cow barn since a small red hen hatched her clutch there in late summer.

It was directly before the feeding of the grain that another crime was committed! During the melee that ensued as grain was deposited into feed dishes we three heard what would be the last word and testament of yet another chicken.

“Dear heavens!” I gasped.

“Merciful laws!” Chief Inspector Yodeling exclaimed.

“That`s gross!” my associate Miss Yodeling cried out.

Our perpetrator had struck once more and right before our very eyes! Yes, it seems as if our Hereford Patrick was the committer of crimes against poultry. Innocently of course, his girth and bulk led him to place a hoof in such a manner as to irrevocably terminate the sentience of yet another chicken.

After witnessing the homicide it was clear to all gathered that no charges could be filed against the Hereford. It was nothing more than a case of a chicken being in the wrong place at the wrong time and even the chief inspector agreed.

“Well my good Miss Yodeling, it seems this case has been solved,” I commented searching for my bubble pipe.

“It`s a barnyard out there…it`s a barnyard out there,” my associate sang.

“That`s the wrong detective,” I muttered finally finding my beloved pipe, right underneath a Holstein`s rear hoof. Ah well, such is life for the world`s foremost farming detective I reflected.


The above case is based on actual facts.

I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Also regrets must be passed along to Peter O`Toole, Basil Rathbone, Robert Downey Jr.* Sighs dreamily* and any other talented thespian who has played or will play Sherlock Holmes. *Ponders on possibility of Moriarty tampering with coffee*


Spring Lake Farm said...

I love a good mystery first thing in the morning while sipping a hot cup of coffee, Oh ye masterful teller of tales.

Happy New Year.


Nezzy said...

I love it!!! This is soooo my life here on the Ponderosa. The story was great, this is just the way this Ozarks chick needed to begin the day on her own snowy covered farm.

I just wanted to thank you for poppin' with your sweet comment and hoppin' on. I sure hope ya'll enjoy the ride.

In the words of old Granny Clampett, "ya'll come back now, ya hear.!!!

Enjoy this day :o)

houndstooth said...

I do so enjoy a good mystery! I hope it's not your last case as I enjoyed this one a great deal!

Brenda said...

What a fine tale ... you wonderful weaver of words! Have you ever thought of writing a book of these kinds of farm mysteries? Very enjoyable!

tobeover said...

A most enjoyable read if I do say so,myself!!
I bid all of you a Very Happy,Healthy,and prosperous New Year!! Take Care, my good friend! Talk to you soon.

Feral Female said...

A mystery and a cuppa, nirvana indeed! Obviously the new Sherlock Holmes movie inspired me...I shudder to think what may hit the page if I ever go see something grisly!

Since I have just now returned from Wal-Mart, and the return lines, with a new bubble pipe my associate and I shall return with another mystery of the rural variety soon. *Heads off to sleuth and blow bubbles*

Mister Oz said...

My first thought was exactly "Feral's seen the new Sherlock Holmes". Quite a great read, and lest we also forget William Gillette portrayed Holmes on stage before motion pictures. He built himself a castle along the Connecticut River in Haddam, CT; one of the many great places I'm fortunate enough to live near.

small farm girl said...

That was GREAT!
Enough said.

MsMarvelDuckie said...

Case closed! The title of a rather fun anime, by the way. Also, I saw the pics from LuLu's first X-Mas, and I gotta ask- are you guys fans of Jeff Dunham? I was tickled to see the Peanut Doll!!

Feral Female said...

True, let`s not forget those who played him on stage!

As a matter Ducks we are HUGE fans of Jeff-fa-fa! It was a very tough decision between Peanut and Achmed but since the doll WAS for the kid and not me....we got Peanut. =)