Thursday, November 12, 2009


There`s a word that stirs up thoughts of drudgery and boredom.

Yet any of us who have animals, be they house pets or farm critters, know that routine is the internal clock our four legged friends run by. It is a precise time measuring device, far more accurate than any Timex, Rolex or Swatch. (Do they still make those and did I date myself yet again?) I know everyone who reads this will nod their heads in understanding while recalling their daily routines and the animals involved. I thought I would share my morning ritual with you all in case there is someone who is wondering why I am the way I am. So here we go, a typical morning for a yodeling goatherder.

4:15 A.M.-Husbands alarm goes off. Yellow lab that sleeps in bed follows husband out, allowing room for others to hog space.

4:16 A.M.-Black lab and beagle leap into bed. Kitten pads over sleeping goatherders back purring loudly. Black lab curls up behind sleeping goatherders legs, beagle curls up in front of sleeping goatherders legs, kitten walks over sleeping goatherders head purring loudly, reclines over sleeping goatherders face then ninnies sleeping goatherders scalp.

4:17 A.M.-Sleeping goatherder flails at animals muttering uncharitable things.

4:25 A.M.-Repeat 4:16 A.M. and 4:17 A.M. routines until sleeping goatherder gives up and tumbles from bed.

4:30 A.M.-Rumpled goatherder stumbles from bathroom, trips over kitten and dogs while mumbling ‘brains’ and dragging left foot sluggishly. Black lab ‘helps’ zombie goatherder by grabbing left slipper to carry for zombie goatherder to front door. Dogs engage in ‘We have to go REALLY bad!’ routine which includes beagle dancing on back legs like Pogo the circus dog while labs go in circles and woof softly, black labs woof muted by left slipper in mouth. Husband inquires why goatherder is up.

4:32 A.M.-Husband makes same query as noted above gets ‘brains’ for reply, shrugs and drops subject. Goatherder opens door for three dogs and kitten, forgetting black lab has slipper in mouth. Goatherder then shuffles to coffee pot to begin infusion of caffeine. (On a side note coffee DOES cure the dreaded zombie virus so prevalent in horror movies. Why Hollywood hasn`t discovered this I haven`t a clue but someone should tell Woody Harrelson about it. He would save tons on ammo.)

4:49 A.M.-Goatherder is halfway through recovery process, caffeine courses through mind as dog waits on porch minus slipper. Kitten wants in. Goatherder begins ritual of calling for other two dogs that are off a-wandering and/or chasing rabbits. Husband is in bathroom. Child sleeps through yelling for missing dogs and snarled commands to black lab to go find lost slipper in yard. Kitten wants out.

5:10 A.M. - Husband yells for dogs on way out door. Dogs come, slipper still lost in yard. Kitten wants in. Goatherder ingests second course of zombie neutralizing agent, gets peck on cheek from husband who she fears is afraid of contracting zombie curse. Kitten wants in. Goatherder tosses Milk-bones to waiting dogs. Dogs go back to sleep. Kitten wants out.

6:00 A.M.-Childs alarm goes off. Cure is taking effect. Slipper is still in yard. Kitten wants in. Goatherder is dressed and shakes child vigorously before taking black lab out back door to begin chores. Goatherder and slipper thief black lab trundle uphill to feed and water duck, geese, chickens and turkeys. Cows and goats await morning treats mooing and screaming loudly at goatherder at chicken coop. Black lab carries watering can back down hill but slipper is still A.W.O.L. Kitten dashes in door between legs, lab drops watering can inside doorway, goatherder trips and mumbles uncharitable things.

6:15 A.M. - Goatherder shakes child vigorously again. Child mumbles ‘brains’ and rolls over. Kitten knocks dish of dry cat food to floor in attempt to cover food. Dogs race in to gobble food as bottle warms for mooing Holstein calf in microwave. Child shuffles from bedroom. Kitten wants out. Goats yell louder in pasture, Hereford begins foghorn moo that indicates his displeasure at waiting. Child needs help with earrings. Goatherder helps undead child with guitar earrings then heads out to grain Hereford steer and goat wethers. Goat buck screams out high pitched love song as Holstein steer moos plaintively for his morning num-num.

6:45-Child returns with empty num-num bottle then remembers she has assignment due today and fires up desktop. Dogs begin ‘It`s time to ride to the bus!’ dance at door. Goat wethers begin to protest being locked from barn so they don`t eat Herefords grain. Kitten wants in or out, goatherder is now not sure of which day of week it is or kittens name. Child prints hastily typed assignment while watching television. Goatherder is out in truck with dogs beeping horn for child since school bus is now in turn-around on dirt road. Child races out door, trips over kitten, mutters uncharitable things then runs to truck. Goatherder backs over missing slipper in driveway.

7:00 A.M.-Goatherder returns to home, black lab has slipper with tire tracks in mouth. Goatherder forgets about letting Hereford out until steer slams into gate with force of Mack truck. Goatherder runs over to let disgruntled wethers in and Hereford out before barn damage occurs. Goose pinches beagle on return trip to house. Dogs enter first, kitten is waiting at front door and leaps on beagle which starts a fifteen minute game of ‘Chase me over the furniture!’ which beagle loses when he runs over coffee table in hot pursuit of kitten and gets scolded soundly.

7:15 A.M.-Goatherder falls into kitchen chair, magic zombie cure steaming in Nubian mug and fires up laptop to begin blog entry about routines and Woody Harrelson.

That explains a great deal doesn’t` t it?


Flat Creek Farm said...

Love it! This sounds oh so familiar to me. We have a similar routine every morning. Isn't it fun? I know we wouldn't have it any other way. And, 'tis absolutely positively true -- coffee is the cure-all! Have a great day! -Tammy

Feral Female said...

I`m so glad to hear I`m not the only one with a frantic and coffee enhanced morning! =)

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