We interrupt this blog for an important late breaking news story!!
Organized crime runs amok on small Pennsylvania farm!!!
It has come to this reporter`s attention that there is a small but really mean criminal organization that terrorizes the usually law abiding hillside farm of the dulcet toned Yodeling Goatherder!
This gang of miscreants is known among the underworld as ‘The Butt-Pinching Gang’ and should be considered billed and extremely belligerent!
Hold on!! This reporter has just been handed these mug shots from the F.B.I. (Federal Butt-pinching Investigations) task force head Mrs. Yodeling Goatherder.
Please be on the lookout for-
Jack ‘The Gander’ Goose and his gun mawl/life mate Diane ‘Web-foot’ Goose. Both are wanted by Federal Butt-Pinching Investigators on four counts of buttock bruising and numerous counts of barnyard bullying. Don`t let their mid-western John Mellencamp song inspired names fool you! These two are considered the brains of the operation despite being two American geese growing up in the backyard.
Also be on the lookout for Jack and Diane Goose`s two children-
Lenny ‘Lone Wolf’ Goose and his sister Zoey ‘The kid named me’ Goose. While young these two are well on their way to a life of crime and black and blue marks to rival their parents! Local authorities have reported that it was indeed the two children of the Goose`s…Geese`s…..Goose kingpin and his gun mawl/life mate that were responsible for the horrible incident of feather pulling and wing cracking of two years ago perpetrated on this tranquil looking farmstead against one Wade the Duck.
I`m sorry, it has just been brought to this reporter`s attention that this is a daily occurrence perpetrated against Wade the Duck. Thank you Mrs. Yodeling Goatherder for the correct facts.
(An interview with one lucky survivor of this nefarious barnyard cartel to follow this breaking bulletin!)
Task force chief Mrs. Yodeling Goatherder has asked this reporter to pass along her warning that if anyone should happen to enter the acreage of this mobster patrolled parcel do not, and I repeat, DO NOT attempt to bring these birds into justice! Please Mister and Mrs. Americana-Leave the dangerous jobs to the professionals! Merely stay in your car and call the Federal Butt-Pinching Investigation hotline at-1-800-OW-MYBUT.
Apparently there has been a lull in the action here, the gang seemingly going to their favorite mid-day lounging area under some shady pines, so this reporter will now pass along the manuscript of a recent eye witness account of criminal activity over the past five years.
Reporter-“Hello! May I ask your name and what you`ve seen in regard to the Butt-Pinching Gangs activities?”
Mister Tinker-“Hello yourself! My name is Tinker and I`ve been a victim of the B.P.G. as we call them here!”
Reporter-“No!?! Imagine it Mister and Mrs. Americana! A beagle being strong-armed by these hooligans! If it`s not too traumatic Mister Tinker, would you tell us what happened?”
Mister Tinker-“Sure, anything to help bring this darkness to the light! It happened about a week ago. I just recently moved here and it seemed like such a nice, quiet place to live. Friendly goats and lots of rabbits to chase, a real good home for a dog you know? Well I was out minding my own business, smelling around the base of that aluminum fishing boat on the bank when out of nowhere something bit my butt!”
Mister Tinker-“I know! It hurt really badly! Miss Poe and Miss Trinity told me afterwards that they too have fallen victim to the goose gangs bills! To top it all off, after the ‘incident’ that Jack one went running back to his fellow villains honking proudly!”
Reporter-“We all are very sorry for your ghastly and obviously humiliating experience Mister Tinker.”
Mister Tinker-“Hey uhm, this isn`t going to be published in ‘Beagle Weekly’ is it?”
Reporter-“Not to my knowledge Mister Tinker.”
Mister Tinker-“Phew! That`s a relief! I kind of have this image with the guys, and well, if word of my tail tucking got back to them, oy! The ribbing I`d take! Of course it could be worse. I could be a bird dog like Miss Poe and Miss Trinity and have to come in through the back door if the B.P.G. are at the front!”
Reporter-“Truer words have never been bayed Mister Tinker. Good luck and keep your tail high good sir!”
So there you have it Mister and Mrs. Americana, yet another farm falls victim to the dastardly deeds of a few bad apples. Errrrr, geese.
Good night and watch your bottoms carefully!