I know these faces LOOK innocent but they mask minds that are far more advanced than we think.
After much hypothesizing and running the facts countless times it now is clear to me that domestic feline`s are in control of wormholes and time/space continuums. I assure you my Nubian mug full of rich creamy coffee is NOT spiked. *Takes a moment to sniff coffee* I`ll present my facts to you and let you draw your own conclusions about my data.
Not unlike Data (please recall how geeky I am) that android on Star Trek: The Next Generation my calculations are based on scientific quantities and a need to understand some of the unanswered questions that plague humanity, and cat owners. Although I`m not as pale as he is and I do use conjunctions our methodical approach to solving this scientific quandary is similar.
First off I would like to remind you that my first suspicion about cats and time/space continuums came to me last week when I brought home a new collar for our rascally kitten Lu-Lu. Oh it was just adorable!! A thin yellow collar with wee little black cat prints and a small gold bell to warn the moths of her stealthy approach! My daughter and I wrestled the collar onto the five month old cat with much hissing and spitting. (From us not Lu-Lu.) I was happier than a hog at a full trough to see how beautiful she looked in her first collar!
Our older Cat Susie, who we call Bean, seemed not to care or wish to help in anyway and merely whacked the kitten upside her head when Lu-Lu rolled too close in her bid to wrest the thing from her neck. After a few minutes of failing to get the accursed collar off Lu-Lu stalked down the hall with her long fluffy tail decidedly kinked and we went about our day without another thought, save for the one I had about how glad I was to not have to clean up moth wings everyday under the living room table lamps now that Lu-Lu had a moth warning device.
It was the following day when I was doing housework and my kitten curled up beside me to snooze in the morning light that hits the kitchen table and the laptop. (Curses! Mopped kitchen floor I meant.) I reached over to pet her and found her neck bare. I was perplexed but not too surprised and chastised her gently before leaving my ‘housework’ to go find her collar.
Okay, now this is where I began to hypothesize about cats and worm holes because the collar was nowhere to be found! I looked under the beds, the sofa, behind the entertainment center, under the dogs, under the stove, under the refrigerator and under the computer stand. I did find two Ironman action figures, three orange jingle balls, a plethora of aluminum foil balls that Trinity somehow missed, half a toy mouse that one of the dogs destroyed and about six Bic pens but no collar.
“Where the Sam Hill is that collar!?” I asked with my hands on my hips. The silence was deafening.
As I stood there with my brows knitted and my mind chugging like an old percolator odd and random things began to pop up, things that after a week to mull I have now used to form my final analysis. It makes perfect sense if one merely stops and thinks.
How do cats appear on the outside of the door when you KNOW they were rubbing your leg a mere second ago inside? Worm hole manipulation.
How does a cat appear suddenly in something that just a second ago was empty? Command of time and space.
How does a cute little yellow collar with a sweet musical bell just disappear off the face of the earth? Feline teleportation through space vacuums.
Now I know you all are convinced that this yodeling goatherder has slipped off into some caffeine-fueled nerdy plateau, and perhaps you may even be looking at your own coffee with suspicion, but I have proof!!! Yes indeed! Photographic evidence that will answer the above queries and one that has beset mankind since time began!! (Or Maytag was invented.) Behold the summation of my week of deep scientific and mind-numbing thinking-
That’s right! Cats know inside the dryer is the apex of time/space travel and each time they enter this toasty warm, slowly tumbling worm hole they take one sock with them!!!!
I`m awaiting my notification from the Nobel Prize committee with quiet and humble smugness.